Rut Roh!

Dear J,
Our absence to this blog has mirrored my absence to the fitness world.  In August, I stopped working out. To make matters worse, K. is losing weight faster than Lindsay Lohan on a three-day coke binge.  I know I’m supposed to be all supportive spouse, but sometimes, okay, all the time, I’m jealous as hell. 

Thus far, he’s lost 62 pounds.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of him! He’s doing a wonderful, incredible, awe-inspiring job of being committed to a life of moderation and fitness. Dammit.  I need to kick it up 300 or so notches or he is going to officially weigh less than me and I can’t let that happen! To weigh more than my husband would make me feel all “here comes the bride, all fat and wide” and I don’t think my fragile psyche can take that.

So, my friend, I need some words of wisdom, encouragement and love to navigate through the ominous overindulgence about to happen up in here for the holidays.  Can you help a sistah out?

Love,
A

Slowly But Surely

Dear J,
My, it’s been a long time since I’ve written.  But, since we last corresponded, I’ve lost more weight, about five or six more pounds.  It’s not a lot but as the fable of the tortoise and the hare teaches, slow and steady wins the race.  So for now, I am winning.  My hubs has lost almost 50 lbs. now and he and I keep each other honest.  Since it’s absolutely, Southern California gorgeous out here today I need to get my hiney outside and enjoy a cool running.  But instead I will mow and do yard work both here at for my Daddio. 

I haven’t been running regularly for about a week and a half now and it’s driving me crazy.  I’ve just been slammed with all the realities of kids starting back to school, volunteer commitments creeping back up on me and of course, life in general.  Last night, as I was filling in dates on my calendar of crap-I-have-to-do, it struck me that working out was not on that list.  I need to plug it in!  I mean, what’s the good of being home all day if I can’t use some of that free time to sweat my large booty off? 

Since I wasn’t chosen for The Biggest Loser (which I’m still sad about because I would have been SO GOOD on television), I’ve decided to be my own Jillian Micheals and kick my own ass.  I’m pretty good at it.  I’ve been kicking my own ass since I was 10 and started gaining weight.  But now, instead of beating myself up over how fat I am, I am encouraging myself to get out there and DO IT and making positive ass-kicking statements to myself and playing the “Eye of the Tiger” soundtrack in my head.

So how are you and yours?  Hopefully I will see you at Z’s wedding, I will be there in all my sleeveless dress glory!

Love,
A

Slap Slap Slap

Dear A,

I like to run too, but I haven’t felt the desire lately.  Hence the slapping sound my thighs make when I do force myself on the treadmill.  Today I went to the gym and the girl next to me had her treadmill set at 6.4 mph and a 15% incline.  It was tilted so far back she literally had to hang onto the front to stay on while she ran.  I had mine set at 3.7 with a 0% incline.  The size of our asses clearly demonstrated what happens if you are the slow walker at the gym.  She had a cute little tight butt.  Me…not so much.

In re-reading that paragraph, I realize that I sound like a lesbian stalker.  I promise I am neither lesbian or stalker.  I am merely fascinated at the habits of the skinny.  Eating out with my boss (who wears a size 2 petite and weighs 102 pounds dripping wet) is mind blowing for me still 10  years later.  She eats 3 bites and is stuffed and declares that she’ll be able to eat nothing but a bowl of cereal for dinner or a couple of graham crackers.  I have tried that, but I end up easting my to-go box plus the cereal plus the pizza Big Daddy ordered because I decided I wasn’t going to cook.  And then the self-loathing sets in and I promise I’ll do better tomorrow.

I’ve been reading lots lately on healthy eating with the idea in mind that I am a logical girl and if I can understand the science behind way I overeat, maybe I can reverse the habit.  My favorite so far is ‘The Omnivore’s Dilemma’.  It isn’t about overeating, but it does offer a lot of information that has been guiding me towards healthy food choices lately.  I just finished another book that described the relationship between fat, sugar and salt and how restaurants and their marketing departments use our brain’s desire for that combo to make us overindulge.  That alone pisses me off enough that I am making better choices in restaurants just to prove them wrong.  Petty, I know, but it works.

I hope your running is going well.  Stretch lots so you don’t get shin splints.  They blow.

Hope to talk to you sooner rather than later!

Love,
J

Running Just As Fast As I Can

Dear J,
It appears that I want to be a runner.  Yes, you read that right, a RUNNER.  I know in the past I’ve said things like, “I only run when chased” but it’s been burning in me to run.  Maybe that burning can be treated with antibiotics, but I doubt it.  So I’ve been running.  I’m not good at it and I only run in spurts so I don’t die.  But I have been running. 

Also, I ventured out into the great unknown (to fat people), AKA, the Y water park on Friday.  Despite the fact that I nearly drowned going down a water slide (a first for me), I had fun and didn’t focus on what anyone thought of my big ass.  There were plenty of beautiful people there but I focused on my kids and the awesome time we were all having and it kept me from freaking out about my cellulite.

Cousin C and I are going to start taking serious classes at the Y when school starts.  Until then I’m going to swim and run my ass off.  Hopefully, literally!!

How have you been?  Still going to the gym at lunch?  I miss our long talks and walking on the beach, hand in hand, and, oh wait…wrong person.  I do miss talking to you though.   Write soon!

Love,
A

Grateful for…

Dear J,

I realized an essential truth this morning. Sometimes, when you are a fat girl, you’ve  just got to be grateful for the little things.  My gratitude list includes,

• I can see my collar bones. It might not seem like much, but dang, it’s something.
• I do not have cankles.  Aside from my first pregnancy, my ankles are normal sized.
• My new Franken-shoes are giving me AWESOME muscle definition in my calves and hamstrings.
• I still prefer diet soda over regular.
• My crack-like addiction to chips has been replaced with an occassional enjoyment of pretzels.
• I’ve lost three pounds since June.

It’s the little things, you know?

Love,
A

Dogs, Kids and Other Creatures That Make Me Tired

Dear A,

Getting started is definitely the hardest part.  This is why my ‘lick your buddy’s glass as soon as they are diagnosed with the stomach virus’ theory is so important.  Here’s a good start: I was talking with a friend last night who runs a no-kill shelter in her backyard.  She and her husband typically have anywhere between 15-20 dogs in their kennels at any given time.  It is a passion for them.  We talk about it a lot.  She had a dog over the weekend who developed a water balloon type cyst on the top of her head.  My friend was very nervous it was something serious, so she took her to the emergency vet last night.  He squeezed it and a tick stuck its head out of a teeny, tiny little hole and crawled out.  Fluid came flooding out behind it, and voila!  No more cyst!  There.  That should get your lack of appetite off to a rip-roaring start!  I know it worked for me.  Blech!

I don’t know about the shoes.  I’ve seen them, held them, even considered buying a pair, but as soon as I put them on I decided they are not for me.  I felt like my mom.  I can’t explain why because as far as I know she’s never worn platform tennis shoes, but that’s how I felt and God knows I don’t need one more incident of ‘momness’ to prove how much alike she and I are.  I even found myself washing and drying zip loc bags the other day because ‘I wouldn’t want to be wasteful’.  I hope you find them handy!  Perhaps the next time I see you I will accidentally mistake you for JLo!  But will you still be A from the block?  Did I ever mention that I think that may be the stupidest song ever?

There are lots of good things I like about exercise.  When I go to the gym over my lunch hour I’m far less likely to want to strangle someone in the afternoon, I sleep better that night (you know the kind…where you climb in to bed and any position you end up in feels like heaven), and I find I make better food choices throughout the day because dammit I’m not undoing all the hard work I just sweat out!

You can do this.  I know you can.  Just start small.  If you can make it to the Y 3 days a week for 2 weeks, and then assess if you feel better or worse I would imagine you’ll find yourself glad you did it. Or maybe you’ll just be sore and hate that I talked you into it.  Either way you’ll know what your next step is! 

Love,
J

It’s All About Getting Started

Dear J,

Glad to hear you had such fun in California.  Perhaps K and I can chip in on a timeshare with you and Big Daddy so we all can spend time in the wonderfully perfect San Diego?  I will holler at you when we win the lottery, m’kay?  I am doing well although I haven’t yet started any OA meetings.  Everytime I plan to, something comes up.  It seems like an excuse, and it probably is.  I  haven’t yet been to the Y either.  Or taken any walks.  Basically I’ve sat on my couch and watched Biggest Loser and Ruby, cried and thought, “I shall start tomorrow!”  Why is it that getting started is the hardest part?

In good news, I had to go to the doc for a repeat visit and in a about a month I’ve lost 7 pounds!  It’s not much, but it’s a START.  I felt so inspired by that loss that I’ve been trying to make good food choices to keep it coming.  The real missing component for me is and always seems to be exercise.

My mom bought me some of those Sketcher-like shoes (the muy cheaper Danskin version) that are supposed to help work out your legs and butt and in the three hours I’ve been wearing them today, I have to say, I think it’s working.  Either that, or I have sudden on-set arthritis.  Whew!  My legs and lower body are feeling it.  They are horribly ugly though.  They pretty much look like Frankenstein shoes or like I have some kind orthodic that makes me tall like I imagine Tom Cruise wears.  But if they work, I don’t mind looking like Frankenstein with short-man syndrome.

I think if it’s nice tonight the kids and I will take a walk.  I’ve got to get my mom’s moneys worth out of these puppies!  Then, my stock in Johnson & Johnson will rise as I pop Advil to keep the pain level at a dull roar.

I am trying to come up with a plan this summer that will keep the kids and I active.  If you have any ideas let me know.  I’m even considering a pool membership at the nearest City pool.  I haven’t decided what would be best yet. 

How are your kiddos?  Is Baby R excited for school to be out soon?  Will she attend camp again?  Inquiring minds want to know!  I need ideas to wear mine out so they don’t drive me out of my freaking mind this summer.  And they will.  Trust.

Well, I’d better get back to trying to be productive.  Mucho amor on this Cinco de Mayo!

Love,
A

California Dreaming, Part Deux

Dear A,

Oddly enough, Big Daddy and I just returned from a beautiful trip to San Diego/La Jolla.  We are seriously considering moving.  After we win the lottery, of course.

I’m stoked to hear you’re stoked.    How have things been going since then?  I think hypnotism is where it’s at since weight loss isn’t at all about restricting what you eat temporarily or just dieting, but about changing how you view food and your relationship with yourself and your health.  Totally trippy, dude.  Do you have an iPhone or iTouch?  There is an app out there with meditation trances related to healthful eating and life choices that has been really helpful to me, and I can listen to it anywhere.

I’m doing good too.  I’m down to 260.  Mine is mostly because of my rebellious internal organs, or at least that was the catalyst for the change.  Since then my stomach is shrinking and I just plain ol’ can’t eat much.  I’m still going to Weight Watchers which is helping keep me on course.  Don’t get me wrong…I still indulge on occasion (beer and wicked good food were hard to pass up on vacation) but on those days I only eat that one meal and I’m good for the day, so I stay below my points allowance.  For whatever reason, I just don’t feel hungry any more.  I’m not questioning it…just trying to embrace it.

Hope all is well with you and yours!

Love,
J

California Dreaming

Dear J,

I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better!  I imagine that gallbladder weighed at least 20 pounds. I feel better too.  I haven’t gone to an OA meeting yet, but I’m getting there.  Yesterday I listened to a CD my Dad gave me from the hypnotist he went to for weight loss.  Oddly enough, I think I got myself hiz-mo-tized!  I felt so calm and relaxed and focused, it was weird.  I always thought I was too smart to be hypnotized, but then again, I also believed that professional wrestling was real until I was in the seventh grade. 

My point is, there was an exercise in which you had to think about yourself as you want to look while in the most relaxing place you could think of.  I pictured myself on the beach outside the hotel room K and I stayed at in San Diego a few years ago.  God, I loved that place.  It was easy to remember the feeling of calmness and when I got to the part where I had to imagine myself thin, I was actually able to do it.  It’s always been hard for me to visualize myself thin because I’ve been fat for so long.  But I did it!  And yesterday, I didn’t overeat AT ALL!!  It was just the first day, but man, I am stoked about it.  Listen to me, “stoked”, I’m already speaking like my California doppelgänger!

In the past two days I have watched eight hours of The Biggest Loser and Ruby and feel inspired again.  I weighed myself this morning and I was at 252.  I think since I’ve started all this (the blog), it’s a total of 10-12 pounds lost.  But I need to go back and take a look.  I feel progress coming.  I feel ready.  Finally.

Love from California and Mexico/Canada if you die,
A

Hi, My Name is J and I Love Cheesecake

Dear A,

I just read your blog about Overeaters Anonymous and don’t think you are being overly dramatic at all.  While you have always had a flair for the theatrical, in this case I think you are just in your revelation.  I have wondered about the group before too and will be terribly curious to hear your opinion after you have attended a meeting or two. 

I read a quote in one of the Weight Watchers books the other day that hit home with me.  “Figure out what’s eating you so you can figure out why you’re over eating.”  I wonder if that’s the jist of the OA meetings – to gain support in determining what is driving a person to overeat?  Much better than the Weight Watchers mantra from my mom’s WW class back in the day, “A sliver becomes a slice, a slice becomes a slab and a slab becomes a slob.”  Demoralize much?

I would guess talking about why you overeat would help rewire your brain to think about food differently.  I wish I had paid more attention in high school psychology classes to the actual text than I had to that cute boy who sat in front of me.  I downloaded an app to my iPhone that is directed meditation centered around making healthy food choices, eating more slowly and reducing portion sizes.  I plug it in when we’re going to bed so it’s the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.  It lasts 10 or 30 minutes depending on which session you choose and has been good so far!  I hope it ‘takes’ in my subconscious.

I am feeling much better by the way. Pancreatitis sucked.  The hospital sucked.   The arrogant prick hospitalist I was assigned to sucked (although I’m sure he feels the same way about me after my CEO asked my opinion about him - he is on the hospital board.  Ha ha, jackass – joke’s on you!)  I have my gallbladder out on Friday, but it’s laparoscopic and they said I’ll be home by noon.  I’ve lost 15.6 pounds since we last spoke and have stuck to my WW points for the last month.  I’ve also been at the gym at least twice a week since I was released from the hospital which I’m sure is helping my weight loss, not to mention my sanity.  Once my gallbladder’s out, I’m optimistic it will be all over and I can quit freaking out every time I get the tiniest twinge of pain in my abdomen.

M told me you two were plotting about how to get Big Daddy and the girls to Mexico before my ex figured out they had left the country if I died in the hospital.  Just wanted you to know that I love you for that (even though I was nowhere near death)!!!  Big Daddy has strict instructions to take the girls and run to Canada though if something happens to me.  His aunts (I lovingly call them the Witches of Eastwick…there are three of them and they are the funniest, kindest sort of hell on wheels you can imagine!) have made it clear that Baby R will never be living with my ex if they have anything to do with it, and I believe them.  I wish my ex (we’ll call him ‘Dick’ for clarity’s sake) would just let Big Daddy adopt Baby R already.  Let’s get real – Dick hasn’t seen Baby R since she was 4 years old!  I don’t think a child who hasn’t seen her biological parent for 8 years should be expected to go live with him if I died!  Big Daddy sees her as his own and Baby R and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I’ve really written quite a novel here so I’m going to close with this – you are WORTH getting out of life WHAT YOU WANT.  You are one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege to know and I want nothing more than for you to see yourself the same way everyone who knows you does, as a treasured and highly valued chica who can still make me piss my pants in laughter without breaking a sweat.

Love,
J